My 20th year of Nursing

20 years ago, I graduated with my LPN, one week before my 19th birthday.
This began my journey of nursing.

Anyone in nursing can understand how much those 20 years hold.

I just want to take the time, in the business of life, and honor those past 20 years and reflect how far I have come.

If I would break my timeline down to you, brief and informal, it would go something like this:

1993-
I graduated with my LPN from GRCC. Worked as a GPN at the migrant clinic in Sparta. I went out to the fields and administered immunizations, TB’s, and educated. I had my first and hopefully only run in with scabies….
The job was seasonal so I took a position for an Oral Surgeon that Fall.
I was to be his scrub nurse once I took the boards.
To take the boards, I drove to Lansing and took them the old school way-
A huge room of many of us with people walking around peering over your shoulder.
I then had to wait another month to two months to get results, but passed the boards!

Summer 1994-
The nurse that was to train me to be the scrub nurse quit and it was decided to let me go since I was so green.
A harsh bit of reality at 19 years old. However, God opens doors. He always has.
I moved back home to start RN school at GRCC. I finished the summer out at Camp Kidwell as a camp nurse.
I met many of my lifetime friends there.

Fall 1994 to Summer 1998
Started ADN program. Got a job at Dr. Stern’s Allergy and Asthma office where he worked very well with my school schedule. Also, picked up more hours at Blodgett Rainy day care.
The over achiever I was also took on a home health case of a little girl with dystrophy.
I remember her mom telling me when I was to be left alone with her ” If she desats and you cant get her back, call me first before EMS. I want to make the decision” I decided that was too much responsibility for me at 19 yrs old, especially in the last bit of my nursing school. I was in the process of planning a supposed wedding also at that time also.

Summer 1998
Graduated with my RN! My supposed wedding got called off. I then moved to traverse city and work as a LPN as summer staff while I studied for boards. Decided it wasn’t the place for me and finished off the summer at camp kidwell as the nurse once again. I knew I wouldn’t get that chance again.

Passed my boards! Shut off at 75 and I knew instantly I was official!

Fall 1998
First RN job at Spectrum – I started on 4S step down cardiac. Little did I know the reputation 4S had… and lucky me(Sarcasm), it was the time of the merger shortly after I started. I will never forget Diane my preceptor though. She taught me a lot. I am the nurse I am because of my time on 4S. Time management and tough exterior skin was of essence to survive that place.
And I met my lifetime friend Beth, who like me truly wanted to just do Pediatrics. We both were just putting in our time. Pediatrics would not hire new grads until you had a year experience of med surg.
Beth made the transition first and I followed shortly after.

Fall 1999
I am a pediatric nurse! Finally, I arrived.
Wasn’t long after that, I started to get pushed to care for the oncology/BMT patients. The program was just starting off and slowly they were branching to be a speciality unit. It was a slow and painful process, full of a lot of politics, but I was part of it and supported it.

However, I couldn’t shrug off my dream of traveling.

Jan 2001
I left for Florida to meet up with my other lifetime friend, Alisa. I took my first travel assignment in Sebring, Florida on their small pediatric unit. Some nights, I would have an assignment of 2 adults and 2 children. It was a simple hospital. I don’t remember too much about it except that I met my Leslie, another travelor. We had fun! We were located near Orlando and Alisa was near Miami. we were 3 hours apart. we planned it that way so we could bounce back and forth. We, all together, tore Florida up! So much fun!

May 2001-
Somewhere through all that crazy fun, I started dating a guy back in Michigan. So to figure it out, I took an assignment at U of M on their Peds Oncology unit. I learned a lot. It was good for me to see where we( Helen Devos) was sending our difficult bone marrow matches, etc. I saw host vs graft disease like none other. It was a big eye opener. I am so proud to say that HDVCH has come so far and rarely do we ship our kids out. So proud of where I work!

Fall 2001-
Love-struck, I made a foolish move and shortened my travels too quickly.
I returned back to HDVCH and resumed care of our peds oncology patients.
I made it another 2 years being actively involved in the unit.
Eventually though, I hit a roadblock. I was very exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe this was the time in my life where I truly started understanding how important balance was and learning not to take your job home with you. I had 3 of my patients, who I was there primary for the past two years pass away. I was present for all 3 of their deaths. This all happened significantly together in a close time frame. To this day, I remember all 3 of their names and precious faces.
What made my final decision, was when my beloved Marissa relapsed. My bucket was empty at that time. I had nothing in me to go down that road with her. It was a heart breaking decision, one that even had me consider leaving nursing altogether.

Summer 2003-
Change was what I needed and change was what I got.
I took a job at Fresh Air Funds as a camp nurse.
There were 4 camps on this vast amount of property in Fishkill, NY. The children came from the inner city of New York. Each camp had a theme. There was the Mariah Carey camp that had an Art vibe to it. I believe the summer I was there was when she was going through her crisis so I don’t think she visited that summer.
Another camp was the Tommy Hilfigers camp and it’s theme was more like a boot camp. It was for teens that had gotten themselves in trouble in the past.
I was at Hidden Valley which was with kids with special needs.
And I cant remember the fourth camp….
I enjoyed the summer. I needed the change and I loved exploring NY on my days off.

Fall 2003 –
Keeping in the theme of changes, Alisa always tried to sell me on Emergency Medicine. I was always intimidated by it.
There was a day shift available at Blodgett. I took the position. Little did I know that I had found my true love of medicine.
I learned a lot at my stay at Blodgett. Mark was a great preceptor. At the time, we still got cardiac patients and still some children so I was content as I poured myself into learning everything about ED medicine.
But, I wasn’t getting enough exposure to kids so I made the move to Butterworth Mod P! And that is when I found what I was missing all my life….

Fall 2005
I was now married and still had an unsettled feeling before we truly settled down and started raising children. I had always wanted to live in Hawaii! It was a bucket list thing.
Bryan had never lived anywhere else and I wanted him to taste some of it before we had to be “real adults”.
Hawaii is hard to get into but with prayer and the right persistentce, it happened for us.
We moved to Maui, HI and I worked as an ED nurse at the one and only County General. It was so free and relaxing. I learned things like never to go in a tour guide helicopter. I learned the abbreviation of TBW(tossed by wave). I learned the power of the HI waves- people had many spinal cord injuries due to lack of respect to the wave. It was there at County that I learned I can bag a child for 6 plus hours. There was no one able to intubate this little one until the next shift came on. I was humbled by the understanding of how fortunate we are at HDVCH with our resources.

February 2006
Decided to keep traveling….
Bryan had never experienced the East Coast. Now that he had the West Coast under his belt, we moved to Connecticut where I took a position at Yale New Haven in Pediatric Emergency. I loved this experience as well. We, at HDVCH, were heading to becoming our own pediatric emergency department and it was great to be working at one already established. It greatly inspired me for what lied ahead.

Fall 2006
Bryan and I were pregnant! Back to Michigan we came. I took a position back in Mod P! Home sweet home is what I would like to say. I had two maternity leaves here and was greatly involved in the process of moving to be our own pediatric emergency department. Education is something that I enjoy. I precepted often and I also became a PALS/ENPC instructor.

May 2011
We had made the move to our new home/new hospital at Helen Devos Children’s Hospital! It was an exciting transition.
However, something was once again unsettling. I needed that change again. Opportunity once again presented itself and I accepted a position in the PICU. It was always something I had wanted to do.
I learned so much and thoroughly enjoyed it during my time there.
I met two beautiful ladies Amy and Caryn, who took me on an incredible mission trip to Mexico.

May 2013
I came to some crossroads. I was wearing too many hats in the hospital with coordinating PALS, PICU, and trying to maintain ED hours. I really felt it was time to pick a path and stick with it.
I needed to simplify my life. Since education was my favorite and ED had a need, I returned once again to my home of Emergency Medicine. That is where I am currently and truly couldn’t be happier.

There it is. Finally, the journey of my last 20 years as a nurse documented.

Now let me narrate between the lines:

If you are a good nurse- truly good nurse- you do not get the respect you deserve.

We smile sweetly when we clean up vomit, and dress smelly wounds. We have seen every personal hygiene there is ( or lack there of).

People scream, curse, and threaten us.

You learn a lot about society’s coping mechanism when they are put to the test.

You have a deep understanding of socioeconomics, as day in and day out you are constantly exposed to ALL.

Our physical bodies are exposed to who knows what on a daily basis.

You see regularly HOW EVIL the human soul can be when you come face with its handiwork, preying on the innocent.

I have watched parents crumble when the word “cancer” has been delivered to them.

And death, well, He is never far away.
He is always a possibility in our line of duty, lingering, waiting for the right moment to reveal himself.
We fight him. We do whatever we can do to hold him off. Some days, we win victoriously and some days we lose painfully.

You can not succeed at this job without a higher purpose.

We do not do it for the glory, for it is a thankless job.

Why do we do it?
It is a calling. No way around it.
And the longer we stay here, the more we realize that.
It comes down to the basic question.
Would I continue this if I didn’t get paid?
The answer is Yes. That is how you know there is a deeper meaning.
I know this because I have met these crossroads once or twice.

What I have learned?
Nursing is a constant growth.

I have learned the power in silence.

I have come to respect and honor what it means to be present in a single moment.

I get the privilege of truly understanding the gift of everyday.

When I am comforting a mom who just lost her child, there is no powerful message than that to value seconds, moments, and days. Life is NOT to be taken for granted. I am blessed to have this daily reminder. I truly try to honor it and respect it in how I live out my life.

What will the next 30 years bring?
I dream of third world opportunity. It truly was one of the reasons I went into nursing. We are entitled by the medical system here. It saddens me, the expectations that society has drilled into the medical world. It has become a corporation leaving minimal romm for compassion. It robs a nurse of those extra minutes to just LISTEN to the needs of our patients.

Teaching has also become my outlet. I believe in one individual being able to bring greatness out of another. I hope to continue to pursue teaching.

So I guess 20 years in, I have something to share….
The secret as to how I survived these past 20 years? I pray.
I will pray the next 30 years also. I whole heartedly believe HE has protected me from foolish mistakes and it is Him that allows my heart to remain tender so I can continue to have empathy for my patients.

In finalizing my reflection of my past 20 years-
It has been good.
Here is to my next 30….

Let It Go

The topic heavy on the heart today:

(drum roll please)

“Letting it go”

What? What could I possible find so important to write about with those three little words?

Everything.

It is so vast that I have saved this as a “draft” multiple times already. I keep coming back and adding to it. I will only scratch the surface. I truly could write a book on the importance of learning how to “let it go”

Basically, the symbolism of it is…

It is a work in progress. Always. The bigger picture is awareness and the willingness to allow yourself to work on it. That, my friends, is how we move mountains.

I have seriously considered tattooing these three meaningful words
“Let it go” on my body, alongside its other two meaningful words “be present”

It deserves its attention though because I see how much power can be associated with these three little words.

I am currently dealing with a “let it go” moment with my husband. He did a very selfish and not too brilliant move in our marriage and I am holding on to resentful emotions. ( Big sigh)

Before we understand the concept of letting it go..
lets review its opposing force…control

Control is a powerful thing.

Control can help the world go around by motivating people to go from point A to B. It can be wrapped up as a helpful tool.
It can offer guidance and aid in accountability.

However, misuse of control can destroy the human spirit.

Let me explain in simple terms.

Driving people to be all that they can be certainly can be a good thing. However, too much of this can erase one’s freedom. They are not allowed grace and the room to express themselves freely. This is what destroys the human spirit.

So please…if you have even once been described as a control freak (humbly I accept that I have) then please take an open minded look at yourself and see how often you are able to “let it go”

It so hard, isn’t it?

So worth it though..

I feel an apology coming on, aimed to my husband, as I attempt to master the art of “Letting it go”

Ode to Jillian

I am a recovering perfectionist.

No, really I am. 

A support group could easily be formed because I know there are more of you out there. Some may even be currently on the road of discovering or better yet, the road of healing. 

My past life consist of years of battling an eating disorder and along with that came OCD tendencies. 

My emotions were anxiety, weakness, frustration, depression, self pity, and loneliness.

It is lonely in that darkness, 

The language of a perfectionist goes something like this:  

Failure is not an option. This is expected of me.   I should do this. 

This furthers into:

I hate myself. You are not worthy. No one loves you. 

This, no doubt, comes from Satan and he plays this card so well. 

So well, in fact, that he has controlled this fun loving girl to spiral into a hole so dark of desperation that the only way out was to contemplate a physical end to it.  He succeed not only once but two other times.

Really?

Yeah, that dark. 

I shudder whenever I relive those raw and vulnerable times in my life. 

Then I found GRACE. 

Grace was always there but now I “get it” 

It has been a slow journey of learning to love myself and saying out loud the words-

“I am worthy”

I have given myself permission to be imperfect because this I can not change. 

And this has opened a whole new relationship between me and my Savior. 

I had been caught up in the world of black and white, that when I felt I was in the black zone, I unintentionally pulled away from him.  I would hide actually, just like Adam and Eve in the garden. 

Of course, I know how silly that was. He died for my sins so that we wouldn’t have to do that. 

Well, that was my perfectionist nature. It controlled me. 

I have learned to “Let it go”  I am free. I can truly come before the cross and know no matter how dark I am, I am loved. 

Grace comes with boundaries. Because I have an understanding of goodness and evil, it does not grant me the permission to seek out evil without paying consequences. 

But that will be another discussion for another time. 

So on to why I decided to share all this?

I am trying to lose weight. 

I mentioned earlier that I battled with an eating disorder. That world doesn’t just go away. It taunts me regularly. I have since developed the right tools to maintain my perspective at a healthy balance. 

I am currently doing Jillian’s 90 day body revelation. 

I love Jillian. She is real and gets to the point. I can take orders from her through the TV in a heart beat because I respect her. She knows her stuff and although she doesn’t know me from Adam,  she has my best interest in hand as I follow this 90 day program. 

OK, I may be putting her on a pedestal. Maybe a little. But she truly does rock.

Anyway, I will get to the point-

I missed 2 days of the program ( well 3 days, but who is counting, right?)

And it created anxiety.  I am failing already was what started up in my head. 

The old me would rip out the calendar and my food journal and start fresh until I could get it right, perfectly, everyday.

I am sorry but those expectations are too high for me. 

Did I mention I am a mom of 2 small boys? I work nearly full time hours as a nurse and I have a husband that puts in close to 60 hrs a week.

I cant be perfect. That is not an option. 

So rather than starting the program all over- I stood proud to the 2 weeks that I did accomplish and I “let it go” 

And with that I was able to move forward.

That, my friend, is freedom. 

One small victory at a time. 

I am not perfect. My desire to be perfect may always haunt me but I will fight back. 

It will forever be a process but awareness is the first step.

Speaking of which, I got to go…..

I hear Jillian calling me! 

 

 

 

 

Honor this Day-

Just another day?

We started out in a lazy tone and it has since spiraled. I cringe as I walk through the piles that have accumulated from the three us just “living” the last 2 hours.

In other words, beds unmade, milk on the counter, dishes in the sink, pajamas on. I can hear the kids in the basement playing- another mess I am sure.   My husband will be home in half hour from a short day at work. Anxiety increases within me for a brief moment as I view the mess through his eyes. (Big Sigh) and this is where I live in the world of “letting it go”  because I am inspired and for now, I am desiring to live in the moment. 

So onto the day at hand, It is Good Friday.  It is also the start of spring break. I started my day with a big “to do” list but felt a nagging because it is Good Friday. I even read Chapters in Luke because of the “should”  factor. 

And then I stumbled onto a song/video that put it all into perspective- 

I am grateful I paused.  

The world is a corrupt place. I truly wonder how many will honor this day.  We have become busy, shuffling with the pace.  Our human nature is selfish, greedy, and we know how long that list goes on. 

I AM selfish, greedy,unfaithful, and so my list goes on. I breed dark sin. 

I was refreshed to watch this video/song. The words poured into my heart and my throat tightened. The tears came. The emotions rose. I released. Uncontrollable sobs. 

I may be human by nature but I am a believer. 

I rejoice within as the tears come. This world has not corrupted ME. I am not hardened. I still cry with passion as I think of the pain and suffering MY savior endured for me. 

I am humbled. 

Again, I am grateful that I paused. 

I honor this day. 

 

Getting Started….

I have been inspired to write this blog about life for quite some time.

I find the title to be quite fitting, even as to just a few minutes ago. The Mary in me wanted to wait until my heart was ready to pour my words out but the Martha in me was getting frustrated… inpatient, to say the least. It was on a “to do” list that need to be checked off. 

Let me explain further- 

Mary and Martha are sisters in the Bible. Both were followers of their beloved Jesus. Jesus has arrived to their house with his disciples. Martha immediately went into hostess mode. There was much to be done.  The travelers were hungry, thirsty  and tired.  Her love language was to provide and care. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as her heart remained pure and joyful. However, as she set about her kitchen, preparing and providing, she started to feel the weight of the task at hand.  It no longer felt joyful, for it now had become a heavy burden. It was at this point, she felt alone and angry. She needed it done. She had already committed to the task. Where was Mary? She should be helping me was how Martha began to feel. 

And where was Mary? She was present.  She was sitting in the presence of Jesus Christ. Her rock star had just arrived to her very own house and she was in awe. Yes, feeding him was important and providing him rest was necessary….but not quite yet. She needed to breath at that moment for she had never felt more ALIVE.  And so she sat at his feet, humbled and overwhelmed with joy. There was no desire to move. This is what it is all about. 

Jesus knew Mary understood at that moment what His mission was about…an active display of life and love.  

So when Martha came hastily out of the kitchen to pull Mary away, he gently tried to explain this to Martha but it was too late,  Martha was in a “mode” . She missed the big picture. (Luke 10:38-42) 

And this ladies( and yes even gentleman) is why I value this story. I have wanted to be a Mary for quite some time but I was raised to be a Martha. It is what I do and I have chose to embrace it rather to fight it. It comes with an understanding of how important it is to keep myself in constant check.

Otherwise, I miss the big picture. 

So it would not surprise you to tell you at this moment that I am a mom of 2 young boys and that I have also been a nurse for almost 2 decades. 

I have missed the big picture before. 

Life is short. Complicated and overwhelming. The pages of life seem to flip by faster and faster as we, society, progress with it, driven by technology and choices. These choices provide a stimuli that actually intoxicate our soul. It sucks the air out of us. We don’t breath. Our senses dull and we forget to feel ALIVE.

So in a sense, it is easy to become that robot that sci-fi  movies have created us to be.

I believe there are a few movies out there where the world becomes this darkened place and majority of the human species are robots and only a few remain whole.  What were there titles?

I am beginning to think those movie producers were on to something. 

And I will go back again to the statement that “life is short”.  I will stand strong behind that statement as my decade as an ED nurse has proven that to me over and over again. 

And that brings me to here at this moment why my desire is to write this blog. We are broken. We are fixed. We are joyful.  We are darkened. We are weak. We are strong. We are complex by nature. It was His intent.  

I am intrigued by the human soul. 

For decades, I have cared and nurtured and been part of many people’s stories.

And now I have the privilege of raising two little boys. I do not want them to a robot in this fast paced life. 

 I needed a place to share that.

Space to process that. 

That is why I am here.

Words are art to me. It is an expression of my soul. 

I have no idea what this journey will look like but if you join me, I welcome you. I only ask you be kind and full of grace. 

Don’t judge. If you feel it necessary to judge, move on. I value open minds and a constructive conversation. 

I do not need negative energy in this space that I am creating unless it is me using it to process. 

Life is too short.